On preparing for birth
I’m 32 weeks and 5 days pregnant today. I’ve got 51 days to go. All my baby tracking apps keep reminding me of this, as if my body isn’t a big enough of a reminder. I’m pretty sure I’m already the same size I was when I had Ellie at this point. And I’m seriously wondering how I’m going to make it another 7ish weeks…
Pregnancy has been an interesting experience this time around - not that it wasn’t the first time. Last pregnancy (my first pregnancy) I was working full-time at the gym. It kept me busy right up until the Friday of the week before Ellie arrived. Everything was new and exciting (or confusing and scary). And, as is usually the case, my body stretched and shifted at a much slower rate than it has with baby number two. I was able to keep up with “business as usual” for almost my entire pregnancy and other than some annoying back pain, I had a pretty easy pregnancy.
This pregnancy has been much different. For one, I traded my day job in for chasing a toddler around. Not that working a job isn’t tiring, but I don’t think it compares to the level of energy required for keeping up with a toddler. Let’s just say I’ve had a lot more exhaustion this go around. I had morning sickness with both of my pregnancies, but it lasted longer and was more intense this time. I definitely had to slow down and modify things in my workouts at the gym much sooner this pregnancy as well. Overall I’m feeling way more aches and pains, like my body is having a harder time keeping up with all the rapid changes. But it’s not all bad…
One of the biggest differences between my two pregnancies has been my mindset. Like I said, with Ellie everything was completely new - and I was completely naive. I say naive in both a good and a bad way. I was blissfully naive in assuming the best for all that was ahead. I was also painfully naive in being completely unprepared for the tough things that were ahead. I honestly thought I’d have the birth and breastfeeding experiences of my dreams without much effort, because birth and breastfeeding just come naturally! Boy was I wrong… I give myself some grace because my pregnancy, birth, and postpartum with Ellie were during Covid times, so the amount of support and resources out there were a bit more limited than usual. But still, I didn’t read a single book, take a single course, or even learn much about the basic processes of birth and breastfeeding before I actually experienced them. And in case you haven’t read any of my other blogs where I talk about how those things went, let me summarize it for you: NOT WELL.
This time around I’m taking a much different approach. Not related to birth specifically, my mindset has been one full of acceptance and grace. This time I am not naive. This time I know what pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, and becoming a mother are like. Sadly, a lot of my experiences with those things have been tough and disappointing. But my experiences have also taught me how to lower my expectations of myself and give myself grace through all of it. When I felt sick or needed to slow down in the gym or felt too tired to even go, I respected my body and accepted my limitations with kindness. When I needed to stop committing to so many things and focus the majority of my attention and energy toward taking care of myself, Ellie, Jonathan, and Baby Boy, I did so unapologetically (this is a BIG deal, if you know anything about my people-pleasing past). When my brain started shifting all it’s focus to preparing for baby to be here, I allowed it to let go of the pressure to keep up with other things in this season - like blogging consistently, for example. This pregnancy I’ve learned a lot about simplicity and letting go of the expectations of others or even myself. I am very present in the process of pregnancy - sometimes a good thing and sometimes a bad thing, like when I feel flat out uncomfortable.
Now to the point of why I initially started writing this blog (I always mean for these blogs to be shorter than they end up being, but writing is somewhat of a discovery process for me. I start with something I want to discuss in mind, but as I start writing, my thoughts become clearer to me and I process through things I haven’t been able to fully grasp. And so, you’re left with a longer-than-I-wish blog. So here we are…): My mindset in preparing for birth.
Without giving too much detail (for the sake of time - I have no reservations sharing the intimate details of what I’m hoping for) I’ll give you a quick explanation of what I’m hoping for for Baby Boy’s birth. I’ve always dreamed of having a completely natural, unmedicated birth. No induction. Zero interventions. Just my body doing what I truly believe God created it to do. I say that not to shame anyone who chooses to birth in a different fashion, or to discredit that there are absolutely situations in which medical intervention is not only necessary, but a blessing. As disappointing as it was to have a c-section with Ellie, I am so very thankful that I live in a time where both she and I emerged from her birth safe and healthy. But this time around, I’m both hoping and preparing for a different experience.
Last time, I did next to nothing to prepare my mind and body for birth. This time around, I feel almost obsessed with preparing both mentally and physically for what is ahead. The more I learn, the more I realize just how much I didn’t know when bringing Ellie into the world. And the more I learn, the better - and worse - I feel. If I could summarize my mental game the past seven months up to you, it would be a battle between fear and faith.
When I first started to think about preparing differently for this birth than last, I thought more information would be the answer to calming my fears. I thought information would be what I needed to go into this birth with confidence. And at times, it has. But with more information also comes more fear - the more I know about birth, the more I know about what could go wrong. My birth experience with Ellie has already filled my mind with plenty of things that could go wrong. Some days, more information just adds to the list.
On the flip side, the more I learn, the more in awe I am of the glorious design of pregnancy and birth that the Lord has created. It is truly mind-blowing how every intricate detail works together to create life and bring it forth into the world. The female body is capable of unbelievable things and it makes me believe even more in God’s divine design for our lives. I’ll never understand how people try to use science to discredit the existence of God. Scientific discovery only further proves the existence of something much greater than our brains can even fathom. Some days, as I learn more about how God created my body to be able to birth a baby naturally, no interventions needed, I feel more confident than ever that I can - and will - do it.
In the middle, there is also a neutral discovery in all my learning that is the simple fact that we are not in control. My sister has had three beautiful boys without pain medication and with minimal interventions and I have learned so much from her experiences. She’s my birth hero in a lot of ways. One thing I remember her telling me after the birth of her second son is that we really can’t control the birth process and the more that you can accept and embrace and submit to that fact, the better the experience is going to be. I’ve been pondering that concept a lot lately. I think perhaps, birth is meant to be a lesson to all of us women that we are not in control. So much of our lives are controlled. We want to have control over everything - from our jobs to our hair color to what we are eating for dinner tonight. But at the end of the day, there is so much out of our control. Control is an illusion, and it makes us feel like God. In reality, He is the only one in control. I think perhaps, a husband’s inability to help his partner through the pain of labor is the male version of this lesson. Men are notorious for wanting to be able to fix things. Labor pain is one thing they simply cannot fix. They must learn to find a new way to love and support their wife through it. But the pain, they can’t control.
Pregnancy is also a great lesson in lack of control. I find it interesting that with most other medical conditions (if you want to call pregnancy that…) there are pretty specific and consistent symptoms that accompany them. Pregnancy, on the other hand, has a never-ending list of symptoms and every woman can experience any combination of them and it can be completely different from one pregnancy to the next. Pregnancy “is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get…” I remember when I would go to my prenatal appointments for Ellie, they would stop me at the door and ask me if I had been experiencing “any of the following symptoms” and then they would read the Covid symptoms list. Sometimes I would laugh and say all of them, sometimes I would just say no for the sake of time, but the list was hilariously similar to many common pregnancy symptoms. Ah Covid, good times, good times (said no one ever!).
I so want to control my birth. I want to learn all I can and do all I can to prepare so that I can have the exact birth outcome I desire. But I am not in control. I’ve felt like I’m caught in between two places in that I want to do everything I can to prepare my mind and body for what is ahead, but I also want to trust that God is in control and recognize that I can’t force anything. I’ve spent countless hours journaling, praying, and listening to the Lord talk about this upcoming birth. I feel like the Lord has clearly told me that it’s going to be a very different experience - redemptive, peaceful, joyful, hopeful, good. And yet, every other day I feel hopeful then discouraged, peaceful then fearful, at rest then anxious. Once again, it’s a daily battle between fear and faith. Am I going to give into fear of everything that could go wrong? Or am I going to believe the promises I feel I’ve heard from the Lord? Where is the line between being diligent to do my part in preparing and resting in the peace that God is in control.
Another thing the Lord has been speaking to me about is that the way in which I birth does not define me. Birth is but a moment in time. What really matters is how I love, care for, teach, and raise my babies. It’s ok to want to birth in a certain way. But who I am - my identity - is not tied to how my births unfold. I’m a c-section Mama hoping for a VBAC. But if I end up with another c-section, I didn’t fail or lose something.
As I’m writing this blog, I am feeling more at peace than fearful. I hope I stay here for the remainder of my pregnancy. I know that this battle between fear and faith is just another opportunity to grow in my trust and faith in the Lord. James 1:2-4 says, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” As I mature in my faith, I learn to embrace these challenges because I know that they are ultimately for my good. Through LOTS of therapy, I’ve come to realize that my c-section, breastfeeding struggles, and postpartum depression and anxiety with Ellie all lead me to a place of desperation that opened the door for the Lord to do a great work in my heart. My faith and who I am today would not be what they are if I hadn’t experienced those challenges. As painful as those things were, I wouldn’t trade the fruit they have produced in my life for a different experience. My trust in the Lord - especially in the hard times - is stronger now because I’ve seen His faithfulness through the storm.
And so I start each day as I normally do - reading my Bible and journaling and talking to the Lord about what is on my mind. Most days it has something to do with preparing for Baby Boy to be here. And each day, I’ll try my best to choose faith over fear. Because while I can’t control how his birth unfolds, I can trust that God will be with me through it all.
