On being humbled (part 3: the lies)

So I started seeing a counselor and it was life changing. Within just a few weeks of meeting with her, I began to realize an integral belief that was the root cause of so much of my pain and disappointment in postpartum life. I had attached my value to my ability to achieve in the gym. I also realized that I had a deep-seated belief (so deep that I had no idea it was there) that I had to prove to others that I was worthy - worthy of love, respect, and value. My performance in the gym had become my number one indicator of what I was worth, and at the time I was so far from where I had been before getting pregnant. As a result, I felt worthless.

WOW. The recognition of those beliefs was tough. But it was also the beginning of my journey toward humility and freedom. It feels necessary to state that I see the irony in claiming to be humble… Those who are truly humble aren’t the ones boasting about their humility. So when I say my journey toward humility, I very much mean I am still on that journey and will be on it for the rest of my life. But as any AA or grief counselor will tell you, acceptance is the first step. Discovering those beliefs was my first step of accepting I had a problem and needed help.

I spent over a year in the dark pit of self-loathing. Because I believed that my value, my worth, and my ability to be respected were attached to my performance in the gym, the long, slow process of not only healing and recovering from pregnancy, but also regaining “lost” ground was a daily slap in the face to remind me of how much less I was now. Now. As in, compared to how I used to be.

Ah, the discovery of a third lie I had believed - Even my past self was my competition and I must master her too.

Let me remind you that in part one of this post I mentioned how much I love that there is always room for improvement in CrossFit. It’s a beautiful thing to continually push towards becoming a better version of yourself. BUT, it can become an ugly thing when the motivation of becoming better is so that you can prove your worth to someone - even if it’s yourself.

I felt so lost and I just couldn’t see how any good could come from it all. Until recently.