On being humbled (part 4: the truth)

It took months of counseling and slowly dissecting the lies I have believed for me to see God’s hand in all of it. You see, my pride - and the self-confidence that I carried because of it - were so deep that I would have never stopped building my kingdom. I was on a path that was leading to destruction and I was building idols to myself, one athletic achievement at a time. I truly believe that it took the Lord physically stopping me - through the process of pregnancy and my changing body - for me to discover the lies. I had to have my abilities stripped from me in order to realize just how deeply they affected my perception of myself. I had to feel the crushing weight of worthlessness in order to re-evaluate where my true worth comes from.

I am a Christian and I grew up in a Christian home. I know the Sunday school answer that my value and worth come from the Lord. But what does that really mean? To be completely honest with you, I feel like I’m back at the very beginning on discovering what it means. I don’t have specific answers right now. In a lot of ways, I feel like I understood it better when I was a teenager than I do now at 31. But I do know that Jesus died on the cross for my sins so that I can could be reconciled to the Father, and somehow He says I am worthy - of love, value, and respect.

It saddens me to think of how far off the path I got. I accepted Jesus in my heart when I was a young child, so I’ve spent my whole life loving Him. But I got lost along the way. Not in a “I left my faith” kind of way, but in a “I was very confused” kind of way. Even at the height of my pride, I still loved and tried to honor the Lord with my life. But again, in my heart, much of my happiness, value, and confidence came from my own abilities. I was striving to prove my worth, rather than resting in the truth that God not only says I am worthy without having to do anything, but that I actually cannot achieve my worth by my own works.

So here I am, approaching my 32nd birthday, and I’m finally submitting to the process of true humility. After months and months of experiencing the abrasiveness of failing over and over again to prove my worth to myself, I am finding the humbling process much more gentle. It’s not another slap in the face of “you should be better” or “you should have known better” (although if I’m honest I do feel that way from time to time), but a kind call of a loving Savior. A call to rest, rather than strive. A call to peace, rather than push. A call to joy, rather than regret. A call to celebrate, rather than compare. A call to accept the free gifts of love, value, respect, and worth that I could never earn.

To be honest, I’m still very much processing and wading through the mess of what I believe about myself. But I wanted to share these things for one main purpose: Because I know some of you struggle with the same thing. How do I know? Because you have told me so.

I believe there is something beautiful in sharing our messy, unrefined, still in process thoughts and struggles with each other. In my own life, I can tend to want things all figured out, in a logical manner, and tied up with a pretty bow. But that’s not real life. Real life IS messy and confusing and full of painful realizations. But it’s also full of beauty and connection and so much grace. The Lord is teaching me to rest in His peace, to lay aside my propensity to want things to be perfect, and to allow Him to lead me through the process of discovering His truth, once again, in my life. I welcome you on this journey with me, and more importantly, the Lord welcomes you to it. If pride, or self-loathing, or striving, or depression, or confusion, or anxiety, or any other thing is affecting the way you view yourself - your value - know that you have a loving Father who has a better way for you. And that you have a sister right there with you in the weeds.

I’m still working on deconstructing my pride. I’m still working on untangling the lies I have believed. I’m still learning the lessons that the Lord is trying to teach me. And I’m still learning to be patient as He slowly connects the dots of where I’ve been to where He is leading me. But now I am filled with hope, knowing that He who promised is faithful. He is a redeeming God and He can use anything - even a year of darkness - to bring freedom in our lives. Sometimes our darkest moments are exactly what He chooses to use to bring His light into our lives. You see, it was in my absolute brokenness that the Lord started my path to freedom. It took me feeling the emptiness of myself for me to see the fullness of His grace. It was in my most desperate moments that He was working behind the scenes to rescue me from myself. My eyes were so focused on the darkness that I did not see His light. But now my eyes have been opened and my heart is filled with gratitude. What a loving Father we have, that He would allow us to experience temporary pain in order to bring true healing in our lives.

If you find yourself in a place of brokenness and desperation today, this hope is available for you. God loves you, sent His son Jesus to die on the cross for your sins, and all you need to do is believe. It’s a free gift to you, that He paid for with His life. You can’t earn it, all you can do is accept it. No more striving, no more proving, no more pride. Just accept His peace and allow Him to start your path toward healing and freedom today.