On kids being mirrors
Ellie is talking more and more these days. It’s like everyday she says a new word or phrase. And every single time Jonathan and I marvel in the fact that she is a genius. I don’t know how we did it, but we ended up with the smartest child to ever walk the face of this planet… Anyways, as Ellie’s words grow, so does our awareness of the things we say.
A few days ago Jonathan was taking some vitamins and jokingly said, “I need to take my drugs.” For those of you who don’t know, Jonathan used to be addicted to prescription painkillers. He’s been sober for over 11 years now, so we both recognize just how blessed we are that he is in a better place and we can joke about it in good fun. On this particular morning however, Ellie responded to his joke by immediately saying, “drugs”. On the one hand, we found it hilarious in the way that any parent finds their child saying something bad funny. But on the other hand we decided it would be best if the former drug-addict’s daughter did not walk around saying the word, “drugs” for all to hear. Jonathan now takes his, “VITAMINS” every morning, as we intentionally stress in the direction of Ellie’s little ears.
Also a few days ago, Ellie exposed one of my subconscious habits. She started saying, “sorry” for reasons that do not require a, “sorry”. Oh no. Apparently, “sorry” is one of my vocal fillers. And by apparently, I mean it definitely is.
I apologize all the time. For anything and everything. I’m an enneagram nine, so some of my favorite memes are the ones of people apologizing for outrageous things, like breathing or existing or asking reasonable questions. And by favorites I mean the ones that make me laugh and cry and cringe and feel fully known all at once. The ones that really get me are the “I’m so sorry to bother you, but I seem to have just cut my own hand off trying to cut down a Christmas tree, if it’s not too much of a trouble, just when you have the time, could I see the doctor - and if he’s too busy, no worries, I’ll just bleed out” ones. There funny because they are kind of true… Not that we would actually tolerate bleeding out in order to not inconvenience anyone. But that we never want to be a bother or burden to anyone. And we apologize for things that we do not need to apologize for.
Ellie was walking out of the laundry room this morning and tripped and fell and immediately said, “sorry!” If I’m honest, it kind of broke my heart. Oh honey, you don’t need to apologize for that. You falling down is not an inconvenience to me. You having an accident is not something I’m upset about. I struggled with how to explain to her that she didn’t need to say sorry, partly because of her age, but I think also partly because I don’t know how to tell myself that a lot of times I don’t need to say sorry.
Kids are like mirrors. They show you the things you do and say that you are otherwise unaware of. And while that can be a bit painful at times, it can also be a gift. Parenting is hard. Knowing how to teach your kids things is hard. But in learning how to teach them, perhaps we can learn how to teach ourselves things too.
I’m now aware of how often I say, “sorry”. I’m going to work on not apologizing for things that don’t warrant an apology, including apologizing for being me. I am not an inconvenience. I’m going to stop acting like I am. And I’m going to try to pass the things I am learning in this season on to my daughter. I pray that my Ellie girl will benefit from my growth by growing up into a woman who feels free to be herself, no apologies necessary.
