On the birth of Leonidas (part 2 - the final week)

One of the biggest things I struggled with in the weeks leading up to Leo’s birth and especially in the final week was the tug of war between “rest and relax” and “do, Do, DO! all the things”. I’ve found that there are very real, very conflicting opinions that people throw at pregnant women. One is that the body needs to be in the rest and digest state in order to go into labor, so rest, rest, rest! The other is that there are a bunch of ways that you can help your body go into labor, primarily by moving and stretching and eating a bunch of different things. I think people in both camps genuinely want to help when they offer their suggestions and I had a lot of people I respect and look to for guidance give me recommendations. I really did appreciate their genuine desire to help. But with all the conflicting advice, I spent the last week of my pregnancy and the weeks leading up to it on a perpetual hamster wheel of, “what should I do?” I was tired and uncomfortable and I really just wanted to rest. But I was also afraid that I was sabotaging myself and my desire for a natural childbirth if I wasn’t doing all the things to try to make it happen. I really wanted to just rest and trust that God would work things out, but every time I started to relax a little voice in the back of my head would say, “yeah, but that’s what you did last time, and it didn’t work out.” Like I said, my trust in the Lord was still wounded. And as each day ticked away, I was more and more nervous about the potential need for an induction.

Monday, December 4th was Leo’s due date. I woke up and got ready to head to the gym. I hadn’t been in three weeks because of those horrible energy crashes, a busy Thanksgiving week, and I kept thinking he was going to come early so I was staying home to conserve energy for birth. But after three weeks of nothing happening, I decided I might as well go to class and see my friends again. While showering before heading that way, (yes, I showered before heading to the gym… don’t worry about it!) I lost part of my mucus plug. I never saw my mucus plug with my first labor and delivery, so I had no clue how much of it I had just lost. But I noticed some of it and took note. I knew from my research this time that the mucus plug coming out doesn’t really give you any indication on how soon labor will start, but at least something was happening. I went to the gym and had a bunch of contractions while working out, but mostly ignored them because that had happened many times before. My coach had me do some curb walking as a part of my workout, you know, to try to move things along. After class I headed to the chiropractor and started feeling really nauseous while being adjusted, which had never happened before. Again, I took note, but didn’t assume anything. I went home and climbed in bed and for the first time, my contractions didn’t stop. I knew that prodromal labor usually stops when you lay down, so I took note once again and eventually texted my doula. The contractions were also feeling more crampy than they had before, so it seemed like things were different this time. My doula seemed hopeful that it could be the real thing, so we loaded Ellie up and took her to my parent’s house for the night. I felt excited and also tried not to get my hopes up all at the same time. We took one last family of three photo - just in case - and kissed Ellie goodnight. Then we headed home, finished packing our hospital bag, - for real this time - and headed to bed. I slept terribly. At first because of the contractions and the excitement, and then because of frustration and disappointment when the contractions slowed down and I realized it didn’t seem like things were going to happen. I woke up exhausted and discouraged.

Tuesday, December 5th I got up, got ready, and headed back to my Mom’s to pick Ellie up. My Mom had an appointment midmorning, but she was going to watch Ellie again in the afternoon for a midwife appointment that I had scheduled. So I decided to try to drown my disappointment in distraction by taking Ellie on a date to the trifecta - Chickfila, Target, AND Starbucks. All the while, I was having less contractions than I had been having on any given day for weeks leading up to now. I headed to my midwife appointment and decided to have them do my first cervical exam. The midwife said I was dilated to a “one and a wiggle”, 50% effaced, and he was starting to engage in my pelvis. She also said she thought he was moving into a better position than before and could easily move into the ideal birth position during labor, which was encouraging to hear. She recommended a bunch of different things that I could do to help induce labor - Spinning Babies exercises, curb walking, sex... We made two appointments for the next week - Monday and Thursday - since I would be a week past due, and she said we would discuss induction options at Monday’s appointment. I really hoped we wouldn’t make it to that appointment and conversation. That evening my contractions picked up slightly and a few were a bit more intense, but nothing worth writing home about. I told Jonathan I was disappointed and emotionally over it. Bless my heart, if only I knew what was ahead… I went to bed and got a great night of sleep.

Wednesday, December 6th I woke up with a day full of appointments. I got a much needed massage (every pregnant woman needs a prenatal massage - ESPECIALLY when she’s past due…), an adjustment at the chiropractor, and headed to a therapy session. The massage therapist, my chiropractor, and my therapist all suggested things I could do to help move things along. All day long, I had very few contractions, which once again frustrated me. That night we headed to my best friend’s gender reveal party - something I was glad I could make it to, while also having really hoped I would not make it to due to Leo having already arrived. I went to the bathroom as soon as we got home from the party and lost a huge chunk of my mucus plug. I also thought I had my bloody show - but in retrospect that wasn’t it. Against my better judgement, I got excited again and texted my doula. Also against my better judgement, I asked her typically how soon people go into labor after having their bloody show. She said 24 hours, but that there’s no guarantee. I went to bed, got a good night’s sleep, and woke up to a very boring morning.

Thursday, December 7th I headed to my Mom’s house for our weekly cousin playdate. My sister and her three boys joined us and we spent the day hanging out. Once again, I had very few contractions that whole day. As the hours dragged on, I got more and more frustrated and discouraged and for the first time, angry. I was tired of waiting and tired of being disappointed. I vented to my mom and sister and we talked about doing a quick curb walk around the block, but I just wasn’t up for it… I went to bed that night emotionally and mentally exhausted.

Friday, December 8th I woke up over it. I lost even more of my mucus plug and thought I had my bloody show - for real this time - but my doula said it was common to see blood every time you go to the bathroom at this point. My best friend came over for breakfast, which was a nice distraction. At this point, I was looking for distractions like it was my job, so in the afternoon Jonathan, Ellie, and I went to the zoo and got ice cream. All day long I felt kind of numb and burnt out emotionally. I told Jonathan I was sad because I didn’t even feel that excited about having a baby anymore. We talked more about the struggle to relax or do all the things to induce labor. While we were getting ice cream, a well meaning mom of four young kids asked me when my due date was. When I told her I was past due she recommended I do some curb walking. I later pointed out to Jonathan that even complete strangers add to the pressure to “do, Do, DO!” all the things. I also told him that I was worried I was starting to feel some postpartum depression… before I was even postpartum. We went to bed and about an hour and a half later I realized I hadn’t really completely fallen asleep yet because I was having minor contractions. I started timing them and they were 4-6 minutes apart, lasting 45 seconds to a minute and 15 seconds, for about an hour. They weren’t particularly intense, so I waited around to see what happened. Jonathan was asleep, so I texted my sister who I hoped would be up in the middle of the night nursing her nine month old. Thankfully she was awake and she kept me company while I waited and watched my contractions. Eventually she went to bed and I got up to go to the bathroom and thought, again, that THIS time I had my bloody show. I climbed back into bed and the contractions slowed way down to between 8-11 minutes apart, but this time they were way more intense - I’d even call them painful. I watched them for about an hour to see what happened and finally texted my doula around 2 AM. She said to keep resting and see what happened. Eventually things slowed down again and I went to sleep.

Saturday, December 9th was a day filled with resting. I was exhausted - too exhausted to stress about things - so it was actually a relatively peaceful day. I also felt somewhat encouraged by the night before - at least it felt like we were getting closer to the real thing. My doula checked in with me and mentioned some things we had discussed I could do to help labor along should things pick up again, but I had barely any contractions the whole day. We went to Five Guys, walked around Target, and watched Cars - Ellie’s favorite movie - for the millionth time. We went to bed and I slept hard.

Sunday, December 10th I woke up feeling like a new woman. We went to church and I left feeling so encouraged. The worship pastor shared a word on trusting the Lord and encouraged us to stop trying to make things happen - AKA stop trying to do all the things. That felt timely… We went to Texas Roadhouse after church and headed home for nap time. Jonathan and Ellie napped while I had a quiet time with the Lord. I wrote about how I was feeling at peace and how I was disappointed in myself for how I had handled the past week. I had spent all of my quiet times for the week writing out the details of my days because I thought they would be important in the story of Leo’s birth. While I was glad to have the details recorded, in retrospect that time would have been better spent talking with and listening to the Lord. When I started journaling the details I thought Leo would be arriving very soon. Now, a week later, I wished I had spent that time more wisely. Without the daily encouragement and wisdom of the Lord, I had spent the week in misery. The back and forth of rest vs. do had worn me completely out. And then, I finally quieted my soul and the Lord spoke words of life to me.

This part deserves it’s own paragraph because it was a pivotal moment for me. Here are some of the words I feel I heard the Lord speak to me: “I want to free you, once and for all, from your fear of disappointment in me and your hesitancy to just trust. This is a chance for that healing you so desperately need. I promised you a redemptive birth. The redemption is in your ability to trust me. I have told you it will all turn out. Now you can choose to stop striving and “blindly” trust.” “I had purpose in Ellie’s birth. It was not what you wanted. But I have and still am using it in infinite ways to shape you into the woman I created you to be. I was not surprised, nor absent from the way it unfolded. In fact, I orchestrated it - for your eternal good. Now let it go. Know the plans I have for you are good - plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.” “Let go of your regret. Let go of the judgement you place on yourself for not preparing for Ellie’s birth. Let go of your regret for your ignorance as her birth unfolded. Set yourself free.” “I desire to set you free. But your freedom is dependent on truly trusting me. Not just saying you do. Not just wishing you do. Not just partially trusting. I’m calling you out to lay it all on the line. Let go of your reservation completely - I want total abandonment. It may come down to the final hours, but I am faithful to fulfill my promises. I am testing you here and now.”

I felt like the Lord was not only calling me to trust Him, but to stop doing. I felt like He was telling me I didn’t have to make things happen because He was going to take care of it. I felt like He was challenging me to let go of my desire to control things and trust that He was in control of not only the outcome, but the timing of everything. He was calling me to rest.

I left that quiet time feeling at peace, encouraged, and hopeful. I was ready to lay it all on the line. I was ready to trust and believe that the Lord was going to not only give me a redemptive experience, but also going to redeem my ability to trust Him completely. I was expectant. We spent the evening setting up our Christmas tree. This was the first year that Ellie really participated and she had a blast. Nevermind that the majority of the ornaments ended up on the bottom 1/3 of the tree. It was a sweet evening together - our last evening just the three of us.