On the birth of Leonidas (part 1: the background)

Note to reader: I started writing about Leo’s birth a week after he was born, but it’s taken me about a month to finish it. You know how it is… I’ve been busy with newborn stuff. :) Anyways, you’ll see me mention different timeframes along the way and that’s why.

As I climb into bed one week after Leo’s birth to write this blog, I find myself wondering where to even start. It would make sense to start with the first signs of prodromal (some call it “fake”) labor, or when I was 32(ish) weeks pregnant and thought I might be going into pre-term labor, or perhaps even with finding out that I was pregnant. But as I think about it, I would say Leo’s birth story really begins with the birth of my firstborn, Ellie.

I don’t have space to share all of the details of my first pregnancy, birth, and postpartum experience in this blog or else it would be a novel. If you’ve read a number of my other blogs, you already know to some extent that it wrecked me. Perhaps someday I’ll write a blog with all the details, but for now, I’ll give you a very brief synopsis.

Growing up, there were two things I dreamed about in regards to being a mother: having a non-medicated, natural childbirth and breastfeeding. I was pregnant with and gave birth to Ellie during the Covid pandemic. At the time I wasn’t much of a reader or researcher, plus Covid made it so there weren’t as many resources available to educate and support parents. I was painfully naive in thinking that both birth and breastfeeding would just happen naturally and exactly how I wanted them to. I just assumed everything would turn out according to planned because my body was made to do it. I also just “blindly” trusted that the Lord would work all the details out.

Then my water started leaking and I had to be induced and intervention after intervention lead us to a c-section. I could rant for days on how ridiculous it is for a woman to have her entire abdomen sliced open and then to be expected to jump right back into life - with a new baby - but I’ll save that rant for another day. Anyways, motherhood started with me in a hydrocodone induced haze, with a very wounded body, feeling like I had been run over by a train. But that wasn’t all. Breastfeeding was a struggle for us from the very start. Ellie had tongue and lip ties and even after getting them revised, nursing never really clicked. We should have switched to formula much sooner than we did, but I was too stubborn and adamant and prideful to let go of my desire to breastfeed. After five months of feeling like I was drowning and spiraling into postpartum depression and anxiety, Jonathan and I decided it was time to let go. After a month of gradual weaning, my breastfeeding journey was over. I wish I could say everything got better then, but I continued to struggle for the next six months with my self-image and self-worth. I had built way too much of my identity on my body and my ability to perform in the gym, and my body was still very much recovering months after giving birth. I was disappointed. Disappointed in how birth turned out. Disappointed in how breastfeeding turned out. Disappointed in how my body and return to the gym turned out. And above all of it, I was disappointed in the Lord for not giving me the desires of my heart. I felt like He simply didn’t care about me or what was important to me.

Shortly after Ellie turned a year old I started seeing a therapist and to say it was the most life-changing thing I’ve ever done for myself is an understatement. It still took months, but with her help I slowly untangled the web of my postpartum depression and anxiety, misplaced self-image, and disappointment in the Lord. The first two are a big deal, but it’s the third one that really matters in the story of Leo’s birth. After a lot of time and a lot of hard work and a lot of healing, my relationship with the Lord was restored. But if I’m honest, my trust in Him was still wounded.

We found out we were pregnant with Leo on April 1st of this year. I was so excited for just about everything ahead (minus the morning sickness), but I was also anxious about history repeating itself. My therapist and I had already worked through and found healing for much of what had happened with my first birth, breastfeeding, and postpartum experience. But I was very worried about it happening all over again - more specifically disappointing circumstances leading to another disappointment in the Lord leading to another fracture in my relationship with Him. I was hesitantly hopeful - believing a better experience was very possible, but not quite allowing my heart to hope for it.

My first trimester was what I expected it to be - morning sickness and counting the days until my second trimester started when it would lift. My second trimester was also mostly what I expected - feeling much better and loving being in the cute pregnancy phase. But my third trimester was nothing like I expected it to be. For starters, I had a couple of weeks where my pelvis was out of place and I felt crazy pressure on my pelvic floor and really thought I might be at risk for pre-term labor. But a trip to the chiropractor seemed to do the trick and everything went back to normal. I was also slightly anemic, so I would have these crazy energy crashes. I’d be going about my morning and all of a sudden feel like a truck hit me. It was rough, especially with a toddler to chase after. Let’s just say we got our moneys worth out of our Disney+ subscription. When I hit 36 weeks with Ellie, everyone started telling me about how their kids had come 2, 3, 4… weeks early. I remember being so stressed out by it because I didn’t feel ready. I still had so much to do! I thought I would be way more chill the second time around, but I found myself thinking Leo was going to come early for some reason. I spent the last month of pregnancy on pins and needles, just waiting for it to happen. But it didn’t happen. Not early. Not on my due date. Not for another whole week… More on that later.

Over the course of my pregnancy, I spent a lot of time worrying about Leo’s birth. I spent a lot of time reading, researching, and learning about birth. I spent a lot of time stressing over Leo’s position in my womb. I spent a lot of time fretting over which Spinning Babies exercises to do (exercises to help with baby’s positioning). And I spent less time than I should have talking to God about all of it. But, as always, He was faithful to speak to me in the times that I did slow down enough to seek Him about it.

A few months before Leo was born I was journaling to the Lord like I normally do first thing in the morning and He spoke to me about Leo’s birth. I felt like He said, “Embrace and surrender to the unknown, knowing that I know every detail. Where you feel vulnerable, know that I’m watching over every detail of your birth as it unfolds.” “This is a test. Are you going to let your fear of the unknown control you or are you going to believe me when I say it’s all going to work out beautifully and choose to rest in the peace I am offering you?” “This is a test about your mind. Who is going to win - fear or faith?” “"I’m talking about believing what I have in store for you is good - redemptive, peaceful, joyful, hopeful good.”

I wish I could say I took those words and spent the last few months of pregnancy in perfect peace, trusting that the Lord was going to work it all out. But that was far from the case. My heart and mind spent the last few months in a battle between fear and faith. Some days I rested in perfect peace, believing God’s promises. Some days I spent anxious and in fear of things spiraling, once again. I was especially anxious about a few things.

One, Leo was in an unfavorable position for birth as his due date approached. He was facing forward, instead of backward (which is the ideal position). Ellie was facing forward when I was induced and I think it is one of the reasons we ended up with a csection. When they pulled her out, she was facing forward and her head was stuck sideways in my pelvis. I had never dilated past a 5 and I think her positioning is the reason why.

Second, I was Group B Strep positive, which was another issue in my first birth. Group B Strep is a bacteria that lives in the birth canal and in very rare cases it can cause serious infections in newborns that are catastrophic. GBS isn’t a threat until the amniotic sack ruptures - aka the water breaks - at which point the bacteria can reach the baby. When my water started leaking in my first pregnancy, it was my GBS positive result that caused them to admit me immediately and induce me. And it was also the reason why I was on antibiotics for 32 hours straight during labor - which completely wiped Ellie and I’s gut biomes out. Ellie had stomach issues for months and at one point I was eating dairy, soy, and egg free because the breastmilk I pumped wasn’t agreeing with her tummy. I was really worried that my water would break early once again with Leo, and I’d have to be induced and hooked up to IV antibiotics for a prolonged amount of time. This would not only cause stomach issues for Leo and I after birth, but would also restrict my ability to move during labor.

Third, I was anxious about the possibility of being induced in general. In my first birth, I think my body just really wasn’t ready yet. I hadn’t had a single sign of labor starting or my body even moving in that direction until my water started leaking. I think the induction failed because we were trying to force my body to do something it just wasn’t ready for. This time around I was nervous for multiple reasons. First off, because I was trying for a VBAC (vaginal birth after csection) with Leo, the midwives were going to be delivering him at the hospital instead of the birthing center. I was nervous about being in a setting that could be less supportive of my desires for a natural birth for a prolonged amount of time. Second, because I was trying for a VBAC, my induction options were already limited. There are a bunch of induction techniques that are commonly used: Membrane sweeps separate the amniotic sack from the cervix which releases hormones that can help induce labor, but that wasn’t ideal because it can cause your water to break. Also intentionally breaking the amniotic sack can be used, but wasn’t ideal for the same reason. There’s a medication called Cytotec that “ripens” the cervix to help with dilation. I was given three doses of it during my first labor, but have since learned that it’s been known to cause maternal and fetal death (I won’t go into how furious it makes me to know that no one bothered to tell me the potential risks of taking it when they suggested it in the hospital…). So that was obviously not an option in my mind, although I don’t know if the midwives would even recommend using it considering the risks. Pitocin, the synthetic version of oxytocin - the hormone responsible for contracting the uterus - is often used. But because it tends to produce more intense contractions than it’s natural counterpart, it’s not ideal to be used for someone who’s uterus has a csection scar - because it can cause the scar to rupture! As Leo’s due date approached, my anxiety about the possibility of induction grew.