On playing the waiting game
You know how annoying it is when you’re waiting for a delivery or service man to come to your house and they give you a time range? You have to sit there for four hours with no clue when they’re going to show up. And sometimes they even call you and apologize because they’re running behind and are going to be even later than expected. Welcome to the last month of pregnancy - except there’s no apology for being late.
I hit 36 weeks of pregnancy on Monday and it set off some internal ticking time bomb that I remember all to well from my pregnancy with Ellie. You see, theoretically, Leo should be here in about 4 weeks (surprise - his name is Leonidas - Leo for short). But in reality, it’s considered completely “normal” and “safe” for him to come anywhere in the next 2-6 weeks. So basically, he could be here in what feels like tomorrow, or a month and a half - aka an eternity for a very pregnant, very uncomfortable Mama.
Six weeks. I suppose some easy, breezy, carefree mamas aren’t bothered by this part of pregnancy. But as someone who tends to run anxious/worry a lot, six weeks is a long time to be constantly on edge. I feel like we still have a lot to do to prepare for him to be here, but yesterday my nesting instinct kicked it up a notch and I really started feeling the urgency to wrap things up - just in case. I think Jonathan started feeling the pressure too, because he put the infant carseat in the car - just in case.
In my last blog, I talked about how I think the unknown and lack of control of labor and birth are intentional parts of God’s plan for us. I think they are meant to teach us just how little control we actually have in a world and culture that scream we have ultimate control of every aspect of our lives. This last 2-4-6 weeks of pregnancy are just another part of that. It’s almost maddening reading the list of symptoms that could be signs that labor is starting - because most of them are just “coulds”. Meaning sometimes it indicates the start of labor and sometimes it means nothing at all. Labor itself can start and stop many times, over the course of many days or weeks, before it’s actually showtime. Effacement means nothing as far as a timeframe of baby coming. Dilation means nothing too. You could drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out. I know I spent the last month of Ellie’s pregnancy on edge. This time I can already feel myself going crazy, just a few days in. And that is why I’m writing this blog - to process how I’m feeling and to hit the mental reset button by reminding myself of some simple truths.
The thought that it could be another six weeks almost makes me want to cry. At moments it feels almost unbearable. How could we possibly make it that long? The thought that he could be here in just two weeks is overwhelming. We aren’t ready yet! (Although I have to say, if I’m picking, it would be nice to not be pregnant anymore - and to have a sweet new baby at Thanksgiving). How can we possibly finish all the things we need to get done before he gets here? The answer is simple - the same way we live every day of our lives - one day at a time.
Over the past year or so of my life the Lord has really been talking to me about the principle of the path. I imagine I’ll write a blog about it someday, because it’s been quite integral to my spiritual growth over the past year. But I’ll sum it up for you: Our entire lives are a continual path, and as long as we are walking closely with the Lord on that path, He will lead us where we need to go. It’s not about making big strides or leaps, it’s about taking one small step at a time. It’s not about knowing where you are ultimately going to end up, it’s about trusting that He is the one in control and He will lead you there. One of the nice things about the path, I’ve found, is that it takes away the pressure to try to control or know everything. I’m a lot less anxious when I trust in a God who knows and sees everything, rather than trusting in my own incomplete and faulty perspectives. I don’t know where He is leading me, but I don’t have to. I can trust that He will complete a good work in me, in His timing. I can’t be late or miss the boat, because He’s the one driving it.
The same can be said about this last stretch of pregnancy. I’m not in control. I don’t know when or how Leo is going to come into this world. But God does. I have the choice to spend the next 2-4-6 weeks anxious and on edge. Or I can choose to relax and trust that he will arrive at precisely the right time. Rather than getting overwhelmed by all of the unknowns, I can simply focus on this day - the tasks I need to complete now, the precious time I still have with just Ellie, Jonathan, and me, the time I can take to rest before I’m responsible for not one, but two small people… There are still a lot of good things in this season, and I don’t want to miss out on them. It’s so easy to wish away the uncomfortable parts of our lives, and in doing so, to miss out on the beauty that is still present in them.
You may not be pregnant, but you are probably playing some sort of waiting game yourself.
How often in our lives are we playing waiting games - or at least we are supposed to be? We should wait on God - His direction, wisdom, guidance - but we get impatient. Rather than trusting that He will reveal His will for us in the right time, we try to force things. We make our own plans, execute on them, and because we don’t experience some massive opposition along the way, we assume they are in alignment with God’s plans. How often does the Lord have to lovingly bring us back to the path and show us once again, where we need to go?
It’s easy to wander from the path when we’re not walking closely with the Lord. It’s human to want to know and control everything. But I’ve found that life is so much more peaceful when I let go and allow God to lead the way. When I choose to walk with and trust Him daily, He leads me to where I need to go.
And so, today I’ll go about my normal life. I’ll head to the gym, enjoy my therapy session, and meet with my doula to discuss our birth plan. Each moment will lead me closer to when Leo gets here. How much closer? Who knows - except God? 2-4-6 weeks? Either way, I’m going to trust it will be the right time. And until then, I’m going to keep on living, one day at a time.
