On walking through the valley

In Christian rhetoric, there’s a lot of talk about the mountains and the valleys of life. Mountain tops are associated with the moments in life when everything is good. You love your job, your family is doing well, all the hard work you’ve put in is paying off, and your dreams are coming true. You feel like you are on top of a mountain and nothing can bring you down. Valleys, on the other hand, represent the tough times in life. You lost your job, your loved ones are sick, nothing is going your way, and you can’t make ends meet. You feel overwhelmed, discouraged, and full of fear. Human nature desires the mountain top experiences of life. But I’m learning to desire the valleys as well.

I’m in a season of life where I feel like I’ve been walking through the valley for a long time now. I’m not saying everything has been bad, but there have just been a lot of tough things I’ve been working through. As much as it honestly sucks, I am learning a very important truth for perhaps the first time in my life: It is in the valleys, not the mountain tops, that we are most changed to become more like Jesus.

I’ve been a Christian my entire life, or basically from the moment when I was old enough to understand salvation and ask Jesus to come into my heart. I’ve always loved the Lord and wanted to serve Him. But it wasn’t until I walked through the darkest season - valley - of my life after having Ellie that I really understood my need for God. I was your classic church kid - never did anything wrong (ok I guess I did date a kid from youth group behind my parents’ backs and got caught because my dad found his Myspace page… a story for another day). I never drank underage, never partied, never snuck out. I don’t think I’ve ever even seen drugs in real life. I was a good kid. And my goodness lead me to harbor a heart full of pride.

It’s a long story (so long that I wrote a four part blog series on it… you can read it starting here: On being humbled), but here’s the spark notes version (speaking of, I made it through all of high school reading spark notes instead of the actual required books for lit class… maybe we should add that to the list of my sins of my youth?). When I started CrossFit and realized I could be really good at it, I threw myself wholeheartedly into performing in the gym. I placed pretty much all of my identity and worth into my performance, losing myself and alienating people I loved along the way. But it wasn’t until I had Ellie and really struggled to regain my athleticism postpartum that I realized the error of my ways. I basically had to hit rock bottom - feeling worthless because I could no longer achieve in the gym - to recognize that I had gotten way off the path the Lord had for me. I was building things for my glory, striving to achieve self-worth and the acceptance of others, and so steeped in pride that I couldn’t even see it. And then it all came tumbling down. My house built on sand could not stand. It was here that I finally recognized me need for God.

The Bible talks about the valley in Psalm 23:4 - “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death (yikes), I will fear no evil, for you are with me…” That first year postpartum was the darkest valley I’ve ever walked through and to be honest, I spent most of it separated from God. I still believed He was my Lord and Savior, but I had very little desire to walk in relationship with Him. But about a year postpartum, I started seeing a counselor and slowly started turning my heart back towards God. I stopped letting my anger, disappointment, and hurt push me away from Him and started walking with Him in the valley. And that was when everything changed.

It took time, a lot of time. But one step at a time, He brought me out of the darkness and into the light. He opened my eyes to see my pride. He showed me where I had been wrong and hurt people in the process. He showed me the truth about where I had been placing my identity and lovingly guided me to the truth that my value and worth rest secure in Him and Him alone. He freed me from my fear of man and desire to people please. And He taught me what true submission to His will looks like.

I think this season is perhaps the first time in my life that I have submitted myself to the discipleship process. To dying to myself and taking up my cross daily. To placing the will of the Father above my own. To sitting in extremely uncomfortable places and refusing to give up even when my human nature tells me to throw in the towel. To examining my heart, feeling my feelings, and then submitting them to the cross, over and over and over again. To looking inward rather than blaming outward. To letting go of my desire for personal justice. To actively choosing forgiveness, grace, mercy, humility, and compassion over bitterness, vengeance, pride, and judgement. I finally understand what it means to be not only a follower, but a disciple of Jesus. And I think I may finally understand what Paul was talking about when he said, “I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” (Phillipians 4:12-13)

It is in the valleys, where everything feels like it is falling apart, that we are tested. Are we going to give in - to our human desires, our sin, our propensity to try to do everything on our own, and our striving to somehow earn our salvation and satisfaction in life - or are we going to give up - and let God step in and change us? It is in the valleys that we come to the end of ourselves. And when you reach the end of yourself, you have two choices: choose you or choose God.

I’m still in the valley. Life’s pressures are closing in around me and I feel it. But just as heat applied to gold brings the impurities to the surface, I can see the Lord refining me in this season. It’s uncomfortable and if I’m honest, a lot of ugly things are coming out. But in the midst of all of the crushing and pressing, I am finding joy in knowing that I am becoming more like Jesus. I am finding joy in my salvation, peace in His presence, and hope for the future. My soul senses that He is preparing me for something He has for me in the future. And I know in my heart that this season, this valley, is about my character being built and me becoming the person I need to be in order to do the things He has called me to. I now understand more clearly what Paul meant when He said, “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

I’ve started thanking God for this valley that I am in. My heart is full of gratitude for the heartbreaking things I’ve walked through and am still walking through, because I know, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” (Hebrews 12:11) As much as I desire a mountain top moment, when all the world is quite and still and peaceful and blissful, I think I desire the valley more. I desire to become more and more and more like Jesus. And I’ve come to learn that it is in the valley that I experience the most growth. It is in the valley that I most seek His face. And it is in the valley that I find life in the dying of myself, peace in the middle of chaos, and joy in the midst of hardship. I will praise Him for the valley, because it is there that I find Him.