On things weighing heavy on my heart

Well, I’m back from a four month hiatus… In case you haven’t heard, I’m pregnant with baby d #2! We haven’t posted this publicly yet, but we found out this last week that it’s a boy! So you’re one of the first to know - thanks for reading my blogs! :) I’ll probably write a blog(s) all about pregnancy, first trimester woos, the beauty and awe of carrying another life inside of you, the things I ponder as I prepare for life with a toddler AND a newborn, etc. But for now let’s just say morning sickness sent me into a hole for a while, but I’m finally back!

Part of why I mention all of that is that pregnancy has put a magnifying glass on my emotions. Or maybe it’s the year of therapy and learning to accept emotions as a good, healthy thing, not something to be controlled or stifled or embarrassed by. Either way, I’m crying A LOT more these days. And let me tell you something, it feels good. I even started a series on my Instagram stories where I post, “On today’s episode of pregnancy hormones made me cry…” with whatever random video that sparked waterworks for the day. It’s fun and also a real testament to the growth (or hormones) I’ve gone through recently.

There are some things that have really been weighing heavily on me lately. Well, actually, I think they’ve been weighing heavily on me for most of my life, but in different facets. Sexual abuse, child abductions, and human trafficking are all terrible in and of themselves, but they are also all connected. This blog feels vulnerable to write, but I also feel the need to do so. Maybe to shed some light on things that need to be seen, maybe to process my own feelings and fears.

I was 11 years old when Elizabeth Smart was abducted from her own bedroom. I feel like most people my age and especially older at least recognize her name. If you don’t know her story, you can learn more than you want to know with a quick Google search. But essentially she was stolen from her home at night at the age of 14. Her story made national - and I’m sure international - news, but that wouldn’t have mattered. I lived one town over from her. And her story shook our community, as well as my little heart and mind. I wouldn’t (and honestly still have a hard time with) sleep with my second story window open. I grew up always paranoid that someone would try to harm me. I still get nervous walking through dark parking lots at night. And so, it should have come as no surprise that some of my biggest fears after having Ellie have revolved around that topic of abduction - as well as abuse.

I’m not saying being cautious is a bad thing - it’s not, in the world we live in. But dealing with postpartum anxiety and constant fear for your daughters safety are not fun ways to live. Checking the baby monitor every time you wake up at night might be a normal parent habit, but when you’re checking to make sure your child is still there, perhaps not so much. I know the odds of something happening are SO small, and yet, I still struggle with it.

Part of why all of this bothers me so much is I know that eventually I will have to teach Ellie about these things. I was walking through the parking lot at a local water park earlier this week and passed a sweet little group of elementary aged girls with their mom. It grieved my heart to hear the mom reminding the girls that they needed to keep their eyes open, not go with anyone who said they knew her no matter what, and that, “the normal looking people are the worst offenders.” She actually said that. And she’s not wrong. Child abusers and human traffickers alike hide in plain sight. I hated hearing her say those things to her precious, innocent little girls, but also knew that part of why I hated it was because I will be giving Ellie the same speeches someday.

Another thing you should know about me - When I was six years old, my family met another family that does missions work overseas. I think at the time they focussed more on building water wells, feeding starving children, and educating kids from some of the poorest communities in the world. But at some point, they got involved in rescuing women and children from human trafficking. My family became fast friends with their family and over the years we became very involved in the work they are doing. My dad started working for them when I was young, still works there today, and my first real job out of college was working in their marketing department. I worked there for five years and I am still on their volunteer panel to this day. I love and support the work they do and always will. But let me tell you, working in the area of human trafficking rescue and prevention does something to you.

I mentioned that my dad started working for them when I was young because it not only opened my eyes to things I had never seen before, but also the eyes of my parents. My mom was tasked with the same burden I am - teaching her daughters to be safe in a world that is full of darkness. The things I’ve learned - the things she learned - have left their mark on both of us. I grew up being constantly reminded of the need to protect myself, stay alert, and always be aware of my surroundings. My mom did her best to keep me safe. Unfortunately I received her wisdom and it turned into fear.

I struggle with the tension of how to teach my daughter safety, while not instilling her with the fear I’ve carried around since childhood. How do I teach her to be wise, but not to be paranoid? To keep her eyes open and be aware, while not constantly imagining something bad happening to her? The world we live in today isn’t the same world I grew up in - and even that world was dangerous. I desire for my daughter to be able to ride her bike through the neighborhood as I once did, but the protector in me says there’s no way in hell that’s ever happening. Just last year a precious little girl from our community was stolen from her own driveway by a Fedex driver and we all sat in the tension of it until days later they found her body. We all know that evil exists in this world, but it hits differently when the evil happens just a few miles from your doorstep. How do I teach my daughter safety, but also let her be a kid?

If this blog is making you feel uncomfortable and like I’m a paranoid, anxious wreck, don’t worry - I am and plan on continuing to talk to my therapist about all of this… I’m just being real about where I am at.

So all of this brings me to some current headlines in our news.

The film, The Sound of Freedom came out just a few weeks ago and is based on the true story of “Tim Ballard, a former government agent who embarks on a mission to rescue children from sex traffickers in Colombia” (according to Wikipedia). I have not seen the film or looked much into the story, but major media headlines have alarmed me. Things like, “'Sound of Freedom': What you need to know about the hit faith-based thriller fueling conspiracy theories. - The indie flick has become an unlikely box-office hit and a darling of right-wing influencers. And Ashton Kutcher and AMC are now involved.” (from Yahoo. Of course they want to bash a faith-based film. And apparently even Ashton Kutcher, who happens to be involved in the world of human trafficking rescue and prevention, isn’t safe from the attacks of the media.). Also, “‘Sound of Freedom: the QAnon-adjacent thriller seducing America’ - Jim Caviezel stars as a hero trying to stop child traffickers in a paranoid new movie turning into a surprise box-office hit.” (from The Guardian. QAnon-adjacent? Seducing? Paranoid? Interesting - read: accusatory - choice of words.). And another one “‘Sound Of Freedom’ Is a Superhero Movie for Dads With Brainworms” (from Rolling Stone. I almost laughed at this one… I just can’t with these people.)

Like I said, I have not seen the movie or done much research. So maybe I shouldn’t have opinions on something I haven’t really vetted. But I do believe that there are powerful people with powerful voices who are willing to do whatever it takes to keep the truth from being told, justice from being served, and the innocent enslaved. We live in a world where some people would rather smear a story that exposes a very real darkness rather than face the truth. One of the things that keeps trafficking alive is the unbelievable corruption - on MANY levels - that exists behind the scenes. I’m not saying those media outlets are necessarily involved, but someone writing for them doesn’t like the truth being told. I find it unsurprising, yet still disappointing, that they are trying to discredit a faith based movie. I don’t remember anyone getting up in arms about the Taken movies. And I don’t remember anyone questioning the validity of the more recent Extraction movie - or accusing fans of it of having brainworms… But as soon as a faith based version of a rescue story comes out, it’s full of paranoia and seduction and conspiracy theories?

Which brings me to the second thing: A child sex trafficking bill that was struck down in the state of California. Again, I haven’t done much research here, so perhaps I should keep my mouth shut. But the headlines told me enough to start a rage fire inside me - “California Democrats Block Bill To Make Child Trafficking a Serious Felony” (from Newsweek). I could stop there, but I did read the article just to understand a bit more. I didn’t need to read it, however, to know that I am disgusted by the decision. In case I haven’t made my opinions on this matter clear enough yet, child trafficking is one of the most despicable atrocities that exists in our world today. I will never understand people who would turn down an opportunity to hold those responsible for it accountable to the utmost degree. It makes my blood boil just thinking about it. Trafficking is real. CHILD trafficking is a heinous crime. And I’m enraged by any and everyone who would treat it as anything but the disgusting, heartbreaking, life-shattering thing that it is. Yet we live in a world where it continues to exist. The good news - the bill has since been revived and is moving on to the next stage, thanks to the intervention of California’s governor. While I am hopeful, I am still disturbed by the fact that there were people who initially opposed it.

This blog is getting long, so I’ll just say one thing about sexual abuse that weighs heavy on me - that the majority of victims are abused not by strangers, but someone they know and trust. (This does not apply to children who have been trafficked.) I think most people already know this, but again, my immersion in the world of trafficking and at risk children sometimes causes me to question if the knowledge I have is known to the general public, or not. So assuming you already knew this, I imagine your heart is also broken by this statistic and that I need not expand on the thoughts you already have.

These things are heavy. Most of my blogs end with some positive note about the lessons I’m learning or the things God is showing me. I think perhaps I’m learning some weighty lessons right now. The first one is that I need to learn on a greater level how to lay down my fear and trust God more. Ultimately my daughter’s safety is in His capable hands, and I need to learn to rest in that. Secondly, I’m learning that part of following the Lord is allowing your heart to be broken by the things that break His. I want to protect my heart from the ugly truths in our world for the sake of self-preservation. A part of me would rather simply not know about the evil in this world so I could keep on living a peaceful, unbothered life. But the Bible makes it clear that self-preservation is not the end goal of following Christ. In fact, following Christ often involves putting yourself in very vulnerable places where you expose yourself to even death for the sake of the Truth. Along those lines is the fact that it’s not only necessary for me to allow my heart to be broken by these things, but it’s actually a privilege to connect with the heart of God in that way. He shares His heart with those who know and love Him. So to carry the weight of something that matters to Him is to partner with Him in bringing light to this world. And lastly, I’m learning to have the courage to speak up. I’ve been concerned with these things for years, but I feel it’s time for me to start adding my voice to the chorus again. I feel vulnerable and uncertain of myself in speaking on things I don’t have complete knowledge of - I haven’t seen The Sound of Freedom or done enough research on the California bill to be able to confidently take a stand on the validity of either one. But I do know that I know a lot about trafficking and that I despise it and that I feel the need to express my concern over the voices that would try to dampen the work being done to combat it. I’m tired of allowing my fear of being “canceled” because of my beliefs to silence the voice I have. The yells of an angry few have got to stop overpowering the whispers of the concerned many.

I guess some of my grief recently is really over the state of humanity itself. The Bible makes it clear that at the moment that sin entered the world, we were destined for darkness. And yet, we live with the reality that God sent His son to die for our depravity, and the promise that someday He will return. And when He comes back, sin and darkness will be eliminated. Perhaps what I’m experiencing now is actually a longing for that future, when everything is made right and only light exists. It’s the promise of that future that gives me the hope I need to continue living in our world today.

Pregnancy hormones, successful therapy, or perhaps just the Lord taking me yet deeper in my faith - I hold these things with a heavy heart. My daughter will grow and someday I’ll have to teach her about the evil in this world. But as I do so, I will also teach her about the security, hope, and light that are found only in Christ. I’ll learn to hold as much of the tension of all these things as I can in my inadequate hands, while placing the rest of it in the capable hands of my Father. If I’ve learned anything from my years of doing CrossFit, it’s that it’s in the tension that strength is built. So I’ll trust that the Lord is strengthening my faith in the processes.